


Shattered Glass

by NanakiBH



Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: Alternate Ending, Alternate Universe, Angst, Dreams vs. Reality, Guilt, Incest, M/M, suicide ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-19
Updated: 2015-08-19
Packaged: 2018-04-15 13:36:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4608756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanakiBH/pseuds/NanakiBH
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Though he feared what would await them, the night was forgiving.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shattered Glass

**Author's Note:**

> [Here's](http://www.nicovideo.jp/watch/sm26776923) what I listened to as I wrote most of this. MikitoP's music is very sombre and atmospheric. It shouldn't be necessary for you to listen to it, but I want to share. It might add something.
> 
> The thought of this was already firmly in my head, so I decided to write it. I wanted to make an "it was all a dream" sort of story that doesn't have the light attitude and feeling of relief you'd normally expect. It's a guilty pleasure trope of mine because I think it feels too easy to use, so I wanted to make the focus be not on the dream itself, but on the feelings it caused.
> 
> So there you have my artist's statement. lol I don't always have such a clearly detailed thought-process behind the things I write.

He just wanted it to end.

His lies, his decisions, his past, his feelings...

With two large blades like knives, he wanted to cut himself out of the world. It would be better off without a blemish like him ruining it. The picture he saw when he looked at Ludger was a beautiful, stunning image, and he was unfit to be painted next to him. Exiting now before he dragged him down with him seemed like the kindest and most responsible thing to do as his brother.

But for some reason, it made his heart sink to his stomach where it burned in a puddle of uncried tears. From within the dark depths of his consciousness, somewhere far, far at the back of his heart where its voice could barely be heard, a question arose and fluttered weakly.

Why couldn't they be happy?

Heart burning, the swallowed tears turning to waves in an upset stomach, that question threatened to make him so sick that he'd have no choice but to spit it out. Holding it in only made him feel sicker, but he denied what he felt. Spending years cultivating his lies made him feel like they were something he had to keep upholding. Listening to others made him believe they were necessary. The dampness swimming beneath his closed eyelids was just his sickness, not meant to be seen by anyone else, not even Ludger.

He was afraid.

If he left now...

He didn't know whether he was responsible, but he felt like he had to be, whether he was or wasn't. No one else could've given Ludger those feelings, and he refused to believe that Ludger could be born with the same sickness that made him feel this way. So it was his fault. Never; he couldn't blame Ludger for anything, even the decisions that Ludger wanted to hold with his own hands.

If he left now, he'd just be running away. He wanted it to end, but it was only just beginning for Ludger. It was too much to imagine that Ludger had been suffering with it for just as long, so he tried to push that thought away. It was too much, too painful to think that they may have both been lying and swimming in their own pain and hiding it all behind carefully crafted smiles that masked their true meaning.

He was used to suffering, but when he saw what the end looked like and saw what it would mean for Ludger, he realized that he was one step away from falling off the precipice of a terrible mistake. What he found at the edge of the blade wasn't an escape but their continued suffering.

 

Terrified, filled with a profound sense of despair, he let go of the shout he'd been holding back and shot up in his bed. There was no echo or evidence of the things he'd seen, no way to prove that the last few minutes had been real. He couldn't even be certain that any sound had left his mouth.

Over the thundering of his blood in his ears, he heard Rollo give a startled cry as he awoke and fled from the bed.

He tried to search his memory for what made him awaken so violently and found nothing but feelings; the old, worn-out longing, pain, and severe regret. His lips quivered as he consciously drew one unsteady breath after the other, focused on the pounding of his heart in his ears that confirmed that he was still there.

Without any aim, he set one foot outside of his bed and stumbled on the second. He caught his balance on his desk and looked up to find a collection of half-empty bottles on its surface, their glass pierced by the glow of his alarm clock. Slowly, he let himself sink to the floor beside his bed and rested his head against the desk as memories from that night returned to him, feeling more like a dream than that dramatic play he'd seen behind his closed eyes.

Rollo returned and nudged his head against his thigh, meowing in concern.

This was something too difficult for Rollo to understand. He and Ludger must have worried him something fierce with all of their yelling.

Quietly, petting his head, Julius apologized to him. His voice sounded awful and his throat was raw and sore, the taste of the contents of his stomach burning at the back of his throat. It was no wonder he had such an unsettling dream when he fell asleep in such a condition.

And he called himself the older brother...

“I'm just a mess,” he muttered, picking himself up.

His weak legs guided him to his bedroom door, and he hesitated for only a second before he quietly turned the handle and stepped into the dark living room with Rollo in tow.

Just looking at the living room made his head throb. He was always in control, but this had finally been the straw that broke the camel's back. The things Ludger told him made him snap. It was just that easy, and then he couldn't control himself anymore. He hadn't touched Ludger, but he'd scared him terribly when he threw his drink. There were shards of broken glass still scattered all over the floor; the wall and carpet soaked.

After that, they hadn't said anything else. There were too many thoughts in his head, and nothing had been able to get through the noise. Just looking at Ludger told him that it was the same for him. In their silence, Ludger had gotten down on his hands and knees and started picking up the pieces of his glass, but Julius told him to stop and that was that.

Ignoring Ludger's silence, he'd shut himself in his room and poured himself a few more drinks to make up for the one he'd wasted, and he kept going until he lost the consciousness to think about it.

The mess was still there now, and if he didn't pick it up himself, then Ludger was going to handle it in the morning.

One of them had to pick up the pieces, and this was his mess.

Before Rollo could curiously touch the sharp pieces, Julius got down and started picking them up, feeling the weight and edges of each one he placed in his palm. One became two, then three, then four, and then it became apparent that it was too much to hold in one hand. It was just a broken cup, and not even one he cared about, but he still found himself curled in on himself, clutching them until he was sure they'd make him bleed, holding his eyes shut to will back the torrent of anguish that wanted to escape.

If it were too difficult for him to handle alone, he didn't know what made him think that it would be possible for Ludger.

Carrying what he could, he got up, shrugged on the kitchen lights with his arm, and dropped the pieces he was holding in the trash. Before he washed off his hand, he rubbed at the cuts in his palm and closed his eyes, remembering fragments of his dream with an increasing feeling of nausea.

He didn't think he had drank enough to make himself feel sick. It was just everything else.

Leaving the light on, he wandered back into the living room, again following his feet where they wanted to lead him. He stopped in front of Rollo who sat like a statue outside of Ludger's room. He stared up at him like he had been waiting, like he expected Julius to enter.

“It's probably harder to fess up than to ignore it, huh? Would making the wrong decision make me seem strong, Rollo?”

He asked, but of course Rollo wouldn't understand. Still, as if he did, he put a paw against Ludger's door.

Maybe it was just a bad decision, not the wrong one. That night had proven to him that there were no right ones. If he ran away, he wouldn't only be fleeing from his own feelings. He'd be turning his back on Ludger, abandoning the brother he'd spent his entire life with, leaving him alone with things that were too heavy for one person to handle on their own.

Memories of that awful lucid dream clung to the back of his mind and filled him with fear. It was too difficult to remember anything from it, but the fear that remained was too real, felt too relevant. It was like a vision of the future; one where he chose to make no decision at all, leaving everything on Ludger's shoulders. The future might be different than something he saw in a fleeting dream, but it made him worry that there was some truth within it.

Every day, he felt wrong. It scared him to think that he'd feel that way forever, and it scared him even more to think that he'd be leaving Ludger with that weight if he walked out the door without resolving it.

“I can't,” he said softly, getting down next to Rollo. There were bad options, and then there were worse ones, and forcing him to choose one of them was just...

But he had to choose one of them unless he wanted that dream to become real. The fear that lingered in its wake made him believe that it might've been real, once. For those seconds or hours when it flashed in front of his closed eyes, it had been real enough to make him change his mind. He looked like a mess, and he felt disgusting in too many ways, but he called himself Ludger's older brother, so it was time for him to make the sort of painfully difficult decision that only an older brother could make.

He hadn't realized that he'd been shaking so badly until he had his hand on Ludger's door knob. It was open, though, so he gave it a slight push and went inside. Turning his tail, Rollo left the rest up to him and retreated to the living room to sleep.

Ludger's room was dark, but he had the blinds open, so a little light from the moon and city lights filtered through in horizontal lines. Turned to face the wall, Ludger laid with his back facing him. Julius didn't know what he was doing anymore, felt too hesitant, and he still felt sick to his stomach, but unless he let the words finally spill out, then he was going to feel that way forever. His usual self wanted to turn around and leave before Ludger had the chance to notice that he was even there, but his feet forced him forward until he was standing at the side of his bed.

He got down on his knees and spoke softly, remembering the way that Ludger used to wake him in the night when he needed him when he was little.

“Ludger? Are you awake...?”

There wasn't any response, but his back was a little too straight, his breathing a little too uneven for someone who was supposed to be asleep. Julius couldn't tell if he was ignoring him or if he just didn't want to talk.

But, “I have something I have to tell you.”

His back remained unmoving and no words were spoken, but that was fine.

“Even if I'm just talking to myself right now, I have to get this out. I'm sorry, I-” He didn't know what he was apologizing for. So many things.

It was too hard to say it, even now – even after he said he'd say it. It wasn't about rejection anymore, so only one stark conclusion remained: he was disgusted with himself. To say it out loud would be giving it over to reality, as if it weren't already real enough inside of him.

“I'm sorry, Ludger. I love you, too. I'm sorry.”

Ludger inclined his cheek toward him a little to let him know that he was listening, so there was no point in hoping that he hadn't heard. The need to continue apologizing was overwhelming and made him feel like apologizing for his own existence. Without him, none of this would've happened. If he weren't there, at least Ludger could've been normal.

“I'm sorry for what I did earlier and the things I said. That... That wasn't me. I don't like being like that. I know this sounds selfish, but I wasn't prepared to handle what you said. I freaked out. Lately, I've been thinking about... leaving.” It was a lot more than that. “But I just realized that I can't do that. I don't think I'm strong enough to do that on my own, and even if I did, it wouldn't be fair to you. And I'd regret everything. I don't want to regret everything, Ludger. I love you...”

Wide awake, Ludger turned around to face him. Even in the dim light, Julius could tell that he'd been crying for hours. He just looked at him for a while first before he finally said anything.

“...You really scared me.”

That hurt, but it was deserved. “I know. I'm sorry.”

“You haven't yelled at me like that since I was little. Back then, I thought you acted that way because you hated me. So, hearing you yell like that again... I know it had to be for different reasons, but I was still afraid.”

Julius shook his head, horrified that Ludger might've thought that he hated him after he found out his feelings. “I couldn't. I could never hate you.”

Once Ludger saw that he was telling the truth, Julius suddenly found himself with Ludger's arms around his shoulders, holding him tightly. Julius doubted that he'd seen the same dream, but Ludger held him as if he were trying to keep him from leaving. Even now, the memory of that dream was going farther away from him, but he remembered the look on Ludger's face in his dream, much like the face he'd seen when his glass shattered against the living room wall.

He was a broken person who broke everything he laid his hands on, and Ludger was someone who wanted to fix every broken thing. Somehow, Ludger had shouldered those feelings without falling apart. It was probably just another selfish thought, but Julius hoped that he could let that night shatter him, then wake up in the morning as someone new, put back together by his brother.

His hands were still shaking, wanting to betray that wall of lies he'd built up to protect himself and embrace what made him feel sick.

It was too difficult, though. It had to be enough that he'd admitted what he promised himself he'd never admit. Saying even that much made him feel disappointed in himself. It wasn't something to be proud of, but he couldn't deny that finally making a decision made him feel a little relieved.

Ludger's hands caressed his back, and, although his nausea persisted, the fear was receding.

“I think I understand why you acted that way,” Ludger said, his chin resting over his shoulder. It made it easier to listen to him when they weren't looking at each other. “You want to protect me. I sort of predicted that you might act that way, so I knew that I should give you some time to think about it. I didn't expect you to come talk to me about it this quickly, though.”

“Did you know how I felt about you?”

He prayed that Ludger hadn't known. All of his lies would've been for nothing if he hadn't hid his feelings well enough. They were there to shield him and protect Ludger from them, so if he'd known, then Julius was certain that this was all his fault.

Ludger gave a quiet, thoughtful hum and turned his head to tiredly rest his cheek against his shoulder. “I don't know. I'm not surprised, though. I'm kind of happy, but I can tell that you aren't.”

“Yeah.”

That was all he could say short of trying to explain himself, and it was just too late for that.

Ludger's hands felt warm against his back.

“I'm just happy having you know,” Ludger said, speaking slowly. “I didn't want anything to change, but I could tell that things hadn't been the way they used to be for a long time. I wasn't happy pretending. ...You felt that way too?”

Without saying anything, afraid of complicating their quietness with his words, Julius just nodded and made an affirming sound at the back of his throat.

“We can do it. And... We don't have to do anything you're uncomfortable with. Really. Just being together with you... That will make me happy.” When Ludger pulled back, Julius was unable to avoid looking into his eyes. “Promise you won't go anywhere?”

He'd almost thrown himself away.

“I won't go anywhere.”

Ludger smiled softly and reached out to touch his face, brush his fingers through his hair. “You didn't put your glasses on. Are you feeling alright?...Are you drunk?”

Finally, something made him smile. “Maybe. I didn't realize how much I was drinking. I don't know if I'll be able to go to work tomorrow. I feel sick.”

“That's alright. I wouldn't expect you to go to work after everything tonight. I know that this probably seems easier to talk about right now because it's the middle of the night, but I hope we can talk in the morning, too.”

That was true. It was late, and he wasn't thinking the same way he'd be thinking if it were the middle of the day, and that dream had done a lot to change his mind. The morning was going to be really difficult when he had to face the things he told him for real. At least he still had a lot of personal days he could use to escape work.

Pushing back the sheets, Ludger got out of bed and went to the bedroom door. “I'll go get something for you. Lay down if it'll help.”

Lay down...

Like he could lay down comfortably in Ludger's bed.

Taking a breath, he sat down on the floor, leaned against the side of Ludger's bed, and closed his eyes. The pain he felt now reminded him of the nights he spent alone in the apartment before Ludger came to live with him, when he still lived with his mother. He was so bitter back then; angry at their father, angry at the way he treated their mothers. Ludger had been an additional burden to him, and he was afraid of letting himself see him as a burden again because of his own unwanted feelings.

He really loved him, but he was afraid of everything.

He was judging himself more than anyone else would. He knew that, but he couldn't help it. Every day, their father made him feel like he didn't deserve anything. Their mothers rightfully chose to leave and wash their hands of that man and everything they'd made with him, but their absence placed a deep fear of abandonment within him. All of those things still haunted him and made him the torn-apart person he was now.

When Ludger returned, he was surprised to find him still sitting on the floor. Leaving the overhead light off, he went to the bedside and turned on one of the lamps, keeping it dim; just bright enough for Julius to see what he was handing him. Julius took the glass of water from him along with the two tablets of something for his stomach. He chewed them thoroughly as Ludger kept an attentive eye on him, and he swallowed them down with the water.

It was going to take a lot more than that to make him feel better.

After silence once again filled up the room, it became harder to find a place to put any words. He didn't know what to say about it anymore and was too weak to think about what a hard time he had ahead of him.

Ludger sat down on the bed. “What made you come talk to me? I thought for sure you'd tell me to forget about it.”

“For the same reason you were still awake, probably,” Julius said, staring down into the glass. It didn't feel right to hold anything in his hands, so he got up and set it on Ludger's desk. Standing in the middle of his room, he stared at the closed windows and let his mind wander as he took in the blue and white colors of the midnight light. “I hated yelling at you like that. I fell asleep without even realizing and I dreamed about hurting you all over again. It was a strange dream. I felt like my whole life was flashing before my eyes, but it was the life I would've lived if I'd chosen to run away. I didn't want to let tonight to be the way you remember me.”

Ludger stayed quiet as he thought about what he told him.

With careful footsteps, Julius stepped before him. “I still wish you could forget about how you feel, though. I wish I could forget, too.”

Looking up at him, Ludger gave him the kind of smile that made him want to fight back against the happiness it placed in his heart.

“'When life gives you lemons', right...? There's no point in making yourself hurt more than you have to, especially when you have someone to share the lemonade with.”

“I'm surprised you didn't try to make that phrase about tomatoes instead,” Julius said, amused enough to let out a laugh. He felt too tired to come up with a reason why he shouldn't let himself laugh this time.

“If it's tomatoes you want, then I'll give you as many as you want tomorrow,” Ludger said, laughing as well. Getting back under the covers, he patted the spot next to him and gave him a somewhat nervous look. “Is it too soon to ask you to stay here?”

Probably. But.

If he wanted to have any hope of getting used to it, then he had to start somewhere.

Wordlessly, he turned off the lamp and got into bed next to Ludger. He laid on his back just like he always would, and Ludger stayed on his side, facing him. After the way he'd treated him that night, he could tell that Ludger was probably still a little scared, but, when Julius looked at him, he was still smiling, even as his eyes began to close.

 

He awoke in the morning with the sun assaulting his eyes and his sensitive head. There wasn't even a second before he remembered what the night before had been like, and he was filled with the usual feelings of disgust and hopelessness.

Ludger wasn't beside him, but he could smell something cooking and heard movement in the kitchen, so he got up and left the bedroom.

When he noticed his presence, Ludger turned around and gave him an embarrassed smile. He was wearing his apron and was holding a spatula, and there were two cups of hot coffee waiting on the table. One glance at the living room and he noticed that everything had been cleaned up, the rest of the pieces picked up.

Pulling out one of the chairs at the kitchen table, Ludger gestured for him to sit.

“I made your favorite for you.”


End file.
